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Tuesday, July 26, 2016

A good wife always knows her place

Monday, May 14, 2012

The feds say you can't be older than 42 to join the military, but that should be changed.Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, take only old guys; married old guys on social security.

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds, but old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys are too happy to fight. A cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier, and kids haven't lived long enough to get cranky. "My back hurts and my knees are killing me! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient, too, and maybe killing some blankety-blank will make us feel better.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before ten, but old guys would be on the job early. We get up early to pee, so we may as well be up shooting at some s-o-b. Heck, there aren't any pheasants left in Iowa any way.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. Even name, rank, and serial number could be a puzzler. We would miss our wives, but will keep us on our toes by calling us often with complaints.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to soft food, and getting hollered at. We also have an appreciation for guns. We've gone hunting for years just to get out of the house, away from the nagging.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Combat vets say they've never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor seen any need to do pushups 'on the job.' That running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. It's tough to outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to drink, and to talk to a girl. We old ones want to quit shaving, oh-boy do we know how to drink, and our goal is to learn how to end a conversation with a woman. The kid hasn't even figured out that a baseball cap brim is to shade his eyes, or the purpose of a belt.

Instead of old guys drinking coffee, telling whoppers, and going to Arizona, let 'em earn their social security -- if they live, they will really appreciate it. If they don't, well, they won't have to worry about how to pay for Obamacare.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowardly terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is millions of ticked off old guys (just take those mad at Congress) with attitudes and automatic weapons.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm's way.

Maybe not men for border patrol, though. A couple dozen attitudinal, menopausal women with fire in their eyes could handle the entire Texas border. If enough of that type cannot be found, use part timers -- just on the right days of the month.

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Here are some excerpts (on how a good wife should keep her man happy) from THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE, from the May 13, 1955, Housekeeping Monthly; "Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time....." "Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives."

"Touchup your make-up, be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him."

"Let him talk first -- remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you."

"Try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. A good wife always knows her place. Or so it said.

Heather has been slacking off lately, so this article was timely. Before I showed it to her I pointed out that she means well, but could use a little refresher course. If the hysterical laughter ever lets up I'll let you know how it went. If I get back in the house, that is.

I've heard of one guy who insisted his wife follow those rules, and she became a really good housekeeper. She kept the house - and he was free to keep odd hours. Permanently.

Don Paulin, 2carpenterdon@gmail.com, 7557 30th Av, Norwalk, IA 50211 - 515-201-7236

By Don Paulin
Been There, Done That


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