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Sunday, Apr. 19, 2015

Spanks or Spanx?

Monday, December 19, 2011

"There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries."

Guys, stuck for a Christmas gift for your lady? Is she unhappy with how her body looks these days? Does she yearn to return to that 36-24-36 look of her twenties? Is her "little black dress" relegated to the back of the closet, or worse, Gone Goodwill?

Do you cringe when she asks if those jeans make her look more like Oprah than like Julia Roberts? Then she needs spanks -- uh, no, "Spanx," slimming underwear made by an Atlanta company founded and 100% owned by a very young Sara Blakely. She started by cutting the feet from her pantyhose and was a millionaire by the time she was thirty. Her San Diego brother, Ford, not to be outdone, came up with Zingle, a text messaging order system for retail establishments.

Many women believe that self confidence can be achieved with an incredible, well protruding and balanced body. Others eat less, exercise more or, "What the hey?!"

Men need a little Christmas squeeze, too. For only $55 you can get a Spanx 611 undershirt that will give Timmy that Bruce Willis look. Or not. Where is that Spanx cotton undershirt gonna put my potbelly or your love handles? Can you make a balloon smaller by squeezing it?

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Upon hearing that the very reserved President Calvin Coolidge had died, the late satirical writer Dorothy Parker quipped, "How could they tell?" "Silent Cal" would be a welcome relief these days, huh?!

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"Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree." (Charlotte Carpenter)

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This is not meant to criticize the Plymouth County Compensation board's recommendation to give the Board of Supervisors a 3 percent increase and other elected officials a 3.9% percent increase. The Comp Board members are all fine people and know more than I do about who merits a raise.

However, I do think the legislature should revise the law that allows elected officials to each name their own representative to the Compensation Board. If I was one of the officials naming a rep I sure wouldn't appoint one who might fill my stocking with coal. As it is, the official might just as well sit on the board.

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I am feeling harassed and bullied. By Androids, MP3's and the like. For those of you from Liberty, those are technology terms, and I am not conversant in techie, either. On a more serious note, when does teasing turn to harassment, which turns to bullying? The last two are serious matters but I have the feeling that we are about to go, or maybe we have went, overboard in determining which is which. A woman recently said she was glad for the attention being given to anti-bullying measures, because as a teen she had been teased for being tall. I fear the day when "Hey, stretch," or "How's the weather up there?" become bullying. "Tubby, Tubby 2 x 4, couldn't fit through the kitchen door," goes too far but my wife says, "Heather, Feather, how's the weather?" didn't scar her.

I might have been the victim of sexual harassment last week. At a building materials store I asked a woman where I could dump my used batteries and light bulbs for recycling. The 50ish woman took me around the corner, and with her hand on my forearm said, "Its right there, honey." Some women are like that, touchy feely. However, men are being cited for less today.

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You have probably flown in or out of Chicago's O'Hare Airport and you may know that it is named after a WW2 hero. But do you know of his of improbable parentage? Lt. Commander Edward "Butch" O'Hare was the U.S. Navy's first flying ace and Medal of Honor winner, flying off of the USS Lexington in WW2. The USS O'Hare, a destroyer, was also named after him.

Unfortunately, he later lost his life while he was leading the U.S. Navy's first-ever nighttime fighter attack launched from an aircraft carrier in 1943.

Butch's father, also Edward, known as "Easy Eddie," was a lawyer who worked closely with gangster Al Capone before turning against him and helping convict Capone of tax evasion. During Capone's tax evasion trial in 1931 and 1932, O'Hare's father provided incriminating evidence which helped send Capone to Alcatraz. The father was assassinated in 1939, most likely by Al Capone's gunmen.

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Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." (Richard Lamm)

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Don Paulin, 2carpenterdon@gmail.com, 7557 30th Av, Norwalk, IA 50211 - 515-201-7236

By Don Paulin
Been There, Done That